ARILY

In a few weeks, my husband and I will be celebrating our twenty-sixth wedding anniversary. I marvel at how far God has brought us in our journey together as a couple. When we were first married, I was filled with depression, doubt, and although I tried, I didn’t completely trust my husband, Paul. I was an emotional mess, but I learned to hide it and keep everything I was feeling inside. We both brought a lot of unwanted baggage from the past with us to our marriage.

I am here to testify that God can and does transform marriages. From the outside, our marriage looked pretty good, compared to most. We didn’t have huge fights, no screaming matches, and no name-calling. We did our best to settle arguments before the sun went down, at least when we were first married. We told each other every day, “I love you.” We attended church every Sunday and loved God with all our hearts. We raised our boys together with nightly Bible stories, prayer, and lots of laughter and good memories.

Over the years, something happened to us. Indifference started to creep in. We settled into a relationship that wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t exactly healthy for either of us. We tolerated each other, and we often became distant, especially after an argument. We didn’t face things head-on, but instead ignored them until the tension in the house was back to an acceptable level. Our Christian marriage had become numb. Our love for each other was there, but it wasn’t really evident and it seemed to be dwindling. We stopped doing the little thoughtful things we used to do for one another. Our focus shifted from each other to our two boys. I don’t know when it happened; it was gradual and we both didn’t seem to notice or care anymore about addressing the dynamics of our relationship. In all honesty, we had given up the thought of having a dream marriage and had settled for mediocre because it wasn’t bad and it was definitely better than most marriages we saw firsthand.

I always heard that divorce rates among Christians are no different than those in the world. I was beginning to see how quickly that could happen, even when both partners are dedicated to God and love each other. What was it that we were missing? How could we repair our relationship? I began praying for God to intervene. I knew God could perform a miracle, but I didn’t understand how. We weren’t headed for divorce, but we were headed for a relationship that resembled roommates. We got in the habit of stuffing things down inside and avoiding the conflicts that arose. I found myself becoming bitter and didn’t appreciate or respect my husband in the way that I knew I should.

Let me be clear: I loved Paul, but the love was more out of commitment to our vows to God and each other, not out of any deep emotional feelings of love. I didn’t feel love to the depths that I knew I should or desired. I appreciated his faithfulness to provide for our family, I admired him for being such a good father, but I wasn’t building him up as the leader of our family. I didn’t feel appreciated so why should I appreciate him? I really didn’t mind when he went out of town since I could have some relief from the underlying tension in our home.

In the midst of finding my own healing from my past abuse, I still struggled with what was happening in my marriage. I found more joy than I had ever known, but something was still missing between Paul and me. I didn’t understand what it was, and I didn’t know how to fix it. It wasn’t until God showed me what submission really looked like that our marriage began to transform. I go into this in more detail in another blog post, (Submit, Who Me?).

I want to share with you that God has worked a miracle in our stale, lifeless marriage, and He can do the same for you! We have a new level of respect for each other. We take time to do the little thoughtful things for each other that we once did at the beginning of our relationship. He bought me roses last week just because he loved me and that’s the best reason of all! I go out of my way to look my best for him when he comes home and I make sure he feels welcome when he walks in the door.

We love spending time together. We tease each other, laugh a lot, and our communication has progressed to a deeper level than we ever thought possible. God had healed me from my past, and now I can say He has healed our marriage—one that I didn’t even recognize as broken or troubled. He has brought to our marriage a whole new level of love, trust, and vulnerability that we never had known before.

We as Christians often feel we have to pretend that everything is all right in order to find acceptance within the church body. No one even suspected that our marriage was in trouble. I’m not in any way blaming our church; it’s just a Christian habit that we’ve all been guilty of. We feel we must put on a “happy face” because Christ is in us and we shouldn’t be struggling to keep our head above water in any area. We should have a hope and a light that the world doesn’t have, and when we don’t, we feel like a failure. It’s hard to find the courage to admit struggles or weaknesses to anyone, let alone other Christians.

If we can’t be real in church, where can we be? If the church doesn’t rise up and take care of the ones hurting within, how can we be a light and witness to the world? We need to heal as a body of believers and come to a place of victory and triumph so that the world will look at us and say, “What do they have that we don’t?” instead of looking exactly like the world and having no answers to offer.

If you are struggling in your marriage, I urge you not to pretend anymore. Find the path that will lead your marriage to the place God intended it to be. Seek help with a trusted counselor or pastor. Pray and ask God to renew and restore your marriage. He wants to be in the middle of whatever mess you have made in your marriage, but you have to welcome Him. He wants what is best for both of you. Invite Him to be the center of your relationship.

For the first time in many years, I look at my husband with a twinkle in my eye. He lights up when I walk into the room. Now, I hate it when he has to go out of town; I miss him terribly. I count the days until he comes home and I will have him beside me once more. I have fallen in love with him all over again. God has fixed the deepest parts of our marriage and has brought restoration in a way only He could.

Happy Anniversary, sweetheart. I’m looking forward to growing old together as we walk hand-in-hand down the path God has before us. ARILY (Always Remember I Love you).

P.S. ARILY is how Paul and I always close our emails, texts, and notes. Paul is the one who came up with the word.