Submit, Who Me?

Ephesians 5:22-24 (NKJV) says:

“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”

God has been dealing with me about submission and obedience. I know these are two basic Christian principles, but for someone who was an abuse victim, they are not ones that come easily. I actually grew to despise those two words because of the abuse—not only from my stepfather, but also from the church leadership that misused their authority.

In this day and time, is submission still something God requires? Does the change in our culture negate what God’s Word says? Does He not know that we are supposed to be empowered women who can do it all? As women we are taught by the world and sometimes even the church, to be strong, be courageous, make our own way. But what does God say? What if our lack of vulnerability and our lack of laying down our own way is destroying something precious to us—our relationship with God and/or our relationship with our husband? That doesn’t mean we can’t be strong, courageous, and make our own way, but not at the expense of the relationship with God or our spouse.

It’s time to take a step back and examine the Word and not listen to what the world is teaching us. God’s ways are perfect and offer us protection and wisdom. He has a purpose in how He brings order to households and our lives. His ways bring peace and contentment, not strife and disorder. It’s under His direction and covering of our husbands that we can thrive and fulfill God’s destiny for us.

I never knew how much my lack of submission affected my relationship with Paul, my husband of twenty-five years. I always thought of him as the spiritual leader of our home, but I didn’t realize how much I fought him on every decision he made if I didn’t agree with him. I was submissive on the outside to some degree, but my heart was not in it.

Even though we had a good marriage, an undercurrent of tension always seemed to come between us that was never resolved. Because I had lost so much power and control over my own life as a child, I was always fighting to be in control of everything in our marriage. I didn’t even recognize it until God revealed it to me. Paul never forced the issue, but he waited patiently for me to come to this conclusion on my own. He knew the battle I was facing because of my past. I blamed him for what was wrong with our marriage, never realizing it was me and my lack of obedience to God’s Word that was to blame.

As I wrote in my book, My Journey to the Father, God finally brought me to a place where I was able to recognize God as my Father—a Father who didn’t abuse His authority, a Father who was looking out for my best interests, and who loved me unconditionally. I never trusted Him enough to surrender to Him fully. Since that issue had finally been resolved after many long years, God was now saying I needed to recognize Paul’s authority in our home. I recently approached Paul with what God was telling me and asked his forgiveness for undermining his authority in our home. I came to understand it wasn’t about me being a doormat or not having my own opinion (as I saw in other women who had been in abusive relationships); it was an issue with my heart. I needed to surrender the reigns of our home over to the one whom God gave that authority—my husband. I soon realized that the more power I gave up, the more peace I found. I had been carrying responsibilities that were not mine to carry. As a result, the tension between us instantly disappeared. Paul was more joyful and at peace in his God-given role, and I finally came to a place of rest that I have never known before.

God has shown me a parallel between my relationship with God and how I relate to my husband. The more I surrendered my life and my will to God, the more freedom and joy I experienced; the same is true with our marriage. Just like with God, it’s not about not having free will, it’s my choice, a decision of surrender. This is a revelation that has brought our marriage to a whole new level of trust and love that I never thought possible. I’m learning to be vulnerable, to tear down the walls that I had built up between us. These were the same walls that had been built up between God and me.

We now have a whole new outlook on our marriage and we have fallen in love all over again. It’s amazing how much freedom you can find when you follow what God commands. We’re looking forward to 2015 and to what God has in store for our marriage and our family. I pray God’s blessing on the year ahead. May you experience God’s healing and freedom in the coming year in a way you have never known!